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A moan escaped me as I recognized my surroundings. The room held the same aspect I remembered from my many visits. In spite of my fears, I sat up and forced myself to look around the chamber, and found it blessedly free of the carnage I was expecting. The fire in the hearth was warm and inviting, which was a major difference from what I had come to expect. The light from the high window was a muted yellow, its color and intensity similar to what one would expect from a brightly burning candle. I moved toward the fireplace and sat in the center high-backed lounge chair, making myself comfortable as I somehow knew I was supposed to do. The two identical chairs flanking the one I had settled in were empty for the moment, but I fully expected them to be occupied in short order. Staring at the fire, I awaited my visitors.
“Back again, I see,” said my voice coming from the seat to my right. “You always end up here.”
“So it seems,” I replied mildly.
“You’re lost again, and you don’t know how to find yourself,” my other self stated. “What did it this time?”
“Not sure what you mean,” I answered.
“There has to be a reason you’re here. There always is. What did you fuck up this time?” I cast a glare to my twin, but he was not looking at me. He was staring into the fire. “How long do you plan on staying this time?”
“Not long,” I replied. “I’m not even sure why I’m here this time. Things are going okay.”
“Liar.” The voice came from my left. It made me shudder. I would have rather faced the corpse of myself as I had last time I was in that chamber than face the specter of my ex-boyfriend. I sighed as he continued, “You fucked up our relationship, and now you’re fucking up your life because you can’t handle it on your own.”
“Maybe,” I responded cautiously. “Of course, you left me because I came out in the middle of a fight, and then you went and hooked up with another guy in less than a month.”
“This isn’t about me,” Pete replied. “This is about your fuckups, not mine.”
“Yeah, I figured. This is my dream, after all.”
“Not so much a dream as you would like to believe,” said my father from my right. “What happens here is going to have a huge impact on you after you leave.”
“It always does,” I said patiently.
I sat quietly and watched the fire. Every time I had been in this place before, I had lost control of my emotions, and it always ended up catastrophically, with me hurting someone else, and in a more real terms, hurting myself in some way. The insights I gained with each visit were paid for with emotional turmoil and suffering. It was not something I enjoyed or wanted to repeat. However, I was there, which meant that my life was severely out of balance. I knew that all I needed to do was wait, and the reason for my return would be revealed.
“Have you figured it out yet?” Came my voice from behind me.
“Figured what out?” I inquired, watching my twin out of the corner of my eye until he stood directly in front of me.
“Why you’re here. Why you always come here.”
“Why don’t you tell me?” I asked blandly.
“I am you, so you already know the answer. If you don’t, then we’re dumber than I thought,” my younger self said with a smirk. When met with a blank stare, he sighed in frustration. “All right, I’ll tell you. You come here to figure things out. You come here to see the truth.”
“And you’re telling me the truth?”
“I’m telling you what you don’t want to hear. What you pretend is not real.”
“And what is real?” I asked in a bored manner.
“This.”
My surroundings changed. I was watching myself sitting at the table in the dining room of the farm house, picking over a meager portion of rice and beans, more moving it around the plate than consuming any of it. The others in the house sat with me, conversing as if nothing was wrong, talking about their daily lives and the events that had occurred.
“May I be excused, please? I’m not hungry,” said the figure of me at the table.
“Brian,” my mother started, “You haven’t eaten anything.”
“I’m not hungry,” I repeated.
“When are you hungry,” quipped Ray. My other self ignored him and stared at my mother.
“No, Brian. Eat your dinner.”
“Fine.”
I watched myself mechanically shovel food into my mouth, chew and swallow it. When I was done, I got up and took my dishes to the kitchen, and then I watched myself walk to my bedroom. After getting my things for my shower, I followed myself across the hall to the bathroom. Once there, I watched him start the water in the tub full cold, and the moment the water was running, I watched him bend down over the toilet and stick a finger deep into his mouth, forcing him to vomit everything he had just consumed. It was sickening to watch. When he was satisfied his stomach was empty, Brian started the shower and adjusted the temperature to a tepid level by adding hot water, then he climbed in to wash himself clean. Just a few minutes later, he was done and turned off the water. After toweling himself dry, Brian stood staring at himself in the mirror. As he posed, he looked over his body and grimaced at what he saw. He was puting on his sweats as the scene changed before me.
I was now standing in the weight room watching myself straining against the weights on the machine. I could hear myself counting the repetitions as they passed, numbering nearly one hundred. Once the century mark was reached, Brian jumped up, shifted the configuration of the machine and began a different exercise, which he pursued with abandon, lifting the weight in what I thought was a dangerous manner.
The scene shifted again, and I was watching myself running in the hills surrounding the farm house. I recognized the place as being ten miles from where I lived. A blank stare was all that emanated from his face.
“That’s what’s real,”said my other self as I returned to the chamber.
“I’m not that bad.”
My twin morphed into my ex-boyfriend. “Yeah, right.”
I turned my back on him.
“What’s wrong, Brian? Can’t handle the truth?”
“I can handle the truth.”
“How about this truth?”
A noise to my left caught my attention. A glance revealed Pete sitting in the chair with his boyfriend sitting in his lap. Their arms were wrapped around each other and the other boy’s tongue was stuck down Pete’s throat. I closed my eyes, and then turned to look at the fire in the hearth again. The noise to my left grew louder, the moans and slurping sounds raising to impossible levels until they echoed around me from every direction. They were suddenly in front of me on the floor. Pete was naked and hovering over his partner, preparing to enter him. I stood from the chair with a growl and walked away from them toward the other side of the room. A loud grunt and a moan chased me across the room, followed by the sounds of their coupling. I leaned against the wall, resting my forehead on my forearm, and tried to ignore the loud noises originating from the two writhing bodies on the floor.
“What’s wrong,” hissed my other self beside me. “That doesn’t turn you on?”
“No,” I answered simply.
“Sure it does.”
“No, it doesn’t.”
“Oh, come on! Look at them! Two hot bodies fucking in front of a fireplace, and you even let one of them fuck you!”
“That was something special between the two of us.” I replied through gritted teeth.
“Huh. Real special, considering he dumped you.”
“He left because he was afraid.” I said softly.
“He left because he got tired of putting up with your bullshit, and you know it!”
“Yeah,” I conceded. “You’re probably right there.”
“Of course I’m right. But don’t you find it strange that the guy he took into his bed right after he dumped you because he didn’t want to be out is a flaming queen? And Pete even came out with him! And even worse, you could be his twin!”
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and held it for a moment before letting it out. “We’re not twins.”
“Sure we are, honey,” said a different voice from the same place. Pete’s boyfriend smiled at me. His eyes were level with mine. “We look almost the same. Just a few small differences.”
“It doesn’t matter. You have him now, and you can keep him. I’m not interested.”
The boy in front of me smiled again, but his smile held a vicious tilt. “Yeah… right. In that case, you won’t mind if I do this, would you.”
I watched him kneel in front of Pete and take his erection into his mouth. Pete threw his head back and sighed contentedly. I turned away and again walked to the opposite side of the room. I sat in the chair in front of the fireplace once more. The moment I was settled, the sensation of a steel band wrapped around my arms and legs, preventing me from rising.
“You’re not going to get away from me that easy,” cooed the boy, and he ran a soft hand across my cheek. “I know you want to watch, so watch. I don’t mind.”
“Just let me go. He’s all yours. I don’t care anymore.”
“Liar,” he smiled, and Pete again positioned himself to mount the boy from behind. “Mmm… just sit here and watch.”
“No!” With an extreme effort, I managed to break my bonds, but I was still trapped in the room. The satyr in front of me smiled wider, and reached for my belt.
“Come on, pretty boy. Give me some of that!”
“Fuck you!” I screamed as I pulled back and let fly with a fist that should have caught him in the side of the head. Instead, my fist passed through nothingness, and he disappeared. My swing left me off balance, and I fell to the ground. The sounds of sex still echoed around me. I sat on the ground and put my head between my knees, trying to drown out the noise, which eventually faded away with the addition of cruel laughter. I managed to stand.
A disembodied voice said, “You can’t hide from the truth.”
My environment shifted again. I was in a hospital room. The boy in the bed was motionless, his face drawn and pale. An IV line was taped to the boys wrist and a heart monitor beeped in time with the boys pulse.
Kathlene Forn sat in the chair next to the bed, reading a book and glancing up at the still form in the bed every few minutes. Her brow was creased with worry. Another large form entered the room and knelt in front of his mother, his expression grim and equally as worried.
“Why didn’t I see it, Mom?” He asked quietly.
“Neither of us saw it, honey,” she responded quietly as she wrapped her arms around his head, pulling him to her.
“But why didn’t he tell us?” The boy cried softly. “He knows we’d never leave him!”
“I don’t know, Chris. I don’t know.”
The pain evident in both of their faces struck me hard. I knew that I had not treated the Forns fairly. I had hidden things from them that eventually led me to the hospital room before me. They had given me everything they had to offer: unconditional love and acceptance. I returned their gifts with lies and treachery.
“I love him so much,” Chris Forn said to his mother. “I can’t lose him, Mom.”
“It’s in God’s hands, honey. All we can do is pray and be here with him until… we know one way or another.”
A sob shook Chris’s form and his mother hugged him tighter, whispering reassurances in his ear. “He’s not done in this life yet, Chris. God has too much work for him to do yet to take him home.” The glistening tracks of her own tears belied the confidence she was communicating to her son with her words.
Once again my surroundings changed. I saw myself laying on the bed in my room at the Forn house. A knock at the door broke the silence.
“Brian, come on,” came Chris’s annoyed voice. “You’re going to be late!”
The figure in the bed did not move.
“Brian, get your lazy ass out of bed!”
“Christopher Michael!” Came Kathlene’s scandalized voice from somewhere else.
“Sorry, mom,” Chris apologized. The door to the room opened. Chris poked his head inside. “Brian, come on, man! I don’t want to be late!”
There was no reaction.
Chris came fully into the room and kicked the edge of the bed. “Come on! This isn’t funny.” No movement prompted Chris to kick the bed hard three more times. Still the form did not move.
“Brian?” Chris moved to the bed and put his hand on the boy’s shoulder. He gently shook the smaller boy. “Brian, wake up.”
The lack of response caused Chris’s anxiety level to rise and it showed in his face.
“Brian! Wake up!” He shook my younger self more vigorously. The body in the bed flopped around as though the skeleton had been removed.
“Brian! Mom! Mom!” Chris left the bedside and was in the hall in two giant steps. “MOM!”
“For heavens’ sake Christopher, what is the problem!” Kathlene asked in an annoyed voice.
“It’s Brian! I can’t wake him up!” Panic gripped the large young man.
“What?”
“I can’t wake…”
“I heard you the first time,” Kathlene said with annoyance. “Get a grip, Christopher!”
Kathlene stomped across the hall and into the room. She pitched her voice to be as loud as possible without yelling.
“Brian Andrew Kellam! This is no time for games! Get out of your bed, and get dressed, right now!”
“Mom!”
“Christopher, finish getting ready for school,” Kathlene ordered as she walked into the room. She leaned down and shook the body in the bed. “Brian, I am in no mood for your games!”
With effort, she pushed the boy over. He rolled lifelessly onto his back.
“Brian!” She reached down and lightly slapped his face. He didn’t respond.
“Christopher, pick up the phone and dial 911. Tell them we need an ambulance.”
“Mom?”
“Do it now, Chris!”
I watched as Kathlene sat on the bed and pulled the boy into her arms. Tears rolled down her face as she murmured, “Hold on, honey. Hold on.”
My surroundings changed again. I was standing on top of a rocky bluff overlooking the ocean. The horizon was lost in the dark clouds which perfectly matched the shade of the storm-tossed water. Howling winds swirled around me, constantly hitting me from a new quarter as the seconds passed, driving the torrential rain and soaking me in an instant. Before me stood my double, whose smile could only be called evil, and his chuckle was no less demonic.
“So here we are again,” he said through his feral grin. “This is the end, you know.”
“The end of what?” I asked sharply.
“The end of you. You’re going to die here. Alone.” He approached me and glared into my eyes. “This is what you wanted, after all — to die, right?”
“No. I don’t want to die.”
“Liar!” He shoved me backwards, toward the edge of the bluff, towards the drop into the pounding surf below.
“I don’t want to die!”
“Liar!” He shouted again, and again he shoved me. I was unable to fend him off as he did so. I had no strength in my limbs, and I felt my strength draining away as the seconds passed.
“You’re getting your wish,” the devil before me said contemptuously. “You’ve fought for this for so long. Why are you turning it down now? You know you want it!”
“No!” I pushed back at the thing in front of me, and he easily turned my onslaught aside. He managed to turn me around and shoved me toward the edge of the cliff once more. I managed to stop myself just before falling over, wildly swinging my arms to maintain my balance. The rocks below were teeth in a frothing mouth waiting to crush my body. I turned around to see him leering at me.
“And now it ends. You’re alone, and your pathetic. And you know what the saddest part is? You don’t even realize you’re killing yourself. Good bye, Brian,”
“No!” I shouted, but the creature paid no mind. With a vicious shove, he sent me reeling toward the side. I felt myself begin to fall toward the edge and struggled to stay upright.
“Hold on, Brian!” A new voice cut through the roaring of the wind and waves. Time slowed as I saw a huge man pick up my nemesis and throw him into the rocks below, his screams were lost in the cacophony of the elements. I slipped and fell over the edge. The huge man lunged and caught my arm in his giant hand, stopping my descent abruptly.
“Got you!” He cried exultantly. I
looked up into Chris’s blue eyes and saw him smile gently.
Once again, the gentle giant had saved me from myself.
I awoke with a start and tasted blood. It took me a moment to turn on the lamp beside my bed, and when I did I saw crimson stains on my pillow, and felt the raw gouges left by my teeth in my bottom lip. The alarm clock next to the lamp told me it was two-thirty in the morning.
The nightmare left me with no illusions as to what was happening. I knew I needed help, and there was only one place where I could get it. No one I lived with could understand. Even if they did, my level of trust in them was not very high. My friends could not help me any more than they had. I needed Chris.
I got out of bed quietly and put on some sweats before sneaking into the kitchen, being careful to not make noise. Once there, I turned on the light over the stove and found my mother’s purse. Inside I found her wallet. I removed a credit card and snuck back to my room after turning out the light again. I knew it was wrong to take the card, and what I was about to do was stealing, but I didn’t have any other way to do what I needed to do.
I turned on the computer in my bedroom and then called up a travel site. A few minutes later, I printed out a bus ticket for later that morning, and I returned the card to my mother’s purse. I spent the next hour packing a duffel bag with everything I would need, and then took all the cash I had hidden in my room. After calling for a taxi to pick me up at the foot of the road, I wrote a short note to my parents. I didn’t want them to worry too much. I turned out the lights and quietly walked out the kitchen door.
What I was doing was risky and foolhardy. The consequences of running away from home would be dire. My parents would likely ground me for the rest of my childhood. No one would know where I was until I got to the Forn home. When Kathlene found out that I had run away, she would take it out of my hide. Chris would pound me into the ground. I didn’t know what else to do, though. In spite of the consequences, I needed him. I needed them. I needed the Forns to help me, and I knew they would.
The cab driver took me to the MAX station, and then I took MAX into the city. It was not difficult to make my way to the Portland bus station. I arrived an hour ahead of schedule and boarded the bus. The trip would take almost twenty hours. I was so nervous that I could not eat anything even though I had brought some fruit with me. Nothing appealed, and I realized that I had not eaten in over twenty four hours. I was in trouble, and I knew it was worse than I wanted to believe. Along the way I had forced myself to eat a banana and an apple, and then found myself wanting to go throw it all up again. I didn’t allow myself to do so, and remained in my seat fighting off the nausea that settled in as a traveling companion. The seat next to me was filled by various people as I traveled, none of whom took the time to say anything more than a cursory greeting, and that was fine for me. I spent my time reading an old favorite that I’d brought with me for the trip.
I arrived in San Francisco at three in the morning on Christmas Eve day. I was certain that my family was now in a panic wondering where I was. I promised myself I would e-mail Ray and let him know I was okay, and ask him to tell my family. This was something I needed to do, and they would just have to understand that. Another cab ride took me close to the Forn residence, and I walked the remainder of the way. It was now just shy of five o’clock, and I stood in front of their house. It looked the same as I remembered it from the past summer. A few seconds later I was walking up to the front door, and stopped. I looked around and took it all in. Every time I had come before the Forn home in this manner, something momentous had taken place in my life. This was no exception.
The bench on the porch made a convenient place to wait until there were signs of life inside the house. It was cold, but I was warm enough with the clothing I had on that it made no difference. I managed to doze off for a little while, and when I awoke, the eastern sky was gray with the coming dawn. I stood up and stretched, and realized that I needed to go for a run. My mind was still racing at top speed and my sense of guilt was warring with my determination to be where I was to get the help I needed.
Around the back of the house, I peeked in the glass door and didn’t see any activity. The call of nature was urgent, and a tree would not suffice, so I found the spare key the Forns kept hidden away and quietly made my way into the house. Once inside, I crept to the foot of the stairs and was shocked to see the doors to both Kathlene’s and Chris’s rooms wide open.
They weren’t home, and by the looks of things, they were gone for the holiday.
“Great fucking job, Kellam,” I growled at myself. “Another stupid fucking idea…”
I made my way to the kitchen, looking for signs of where they might be and found nothing. The answering machine had three messages on it, and out of habit I hit play. The first message was from a girl named Connie wishing Chris and his mom a good trip, but she didn’t say where. The second message was from a man who wanted Kathlene to call him back regarding the Norton and Farmes case. The third message caught my attention.
“Kathlene, Chris, this is Pete. It’s Wednesday the twenty-third at seven PM. Brian is missing, and we have no idea where he is. He left a note that said he has something he needs to take care of. Please call me back as soon as you get this message. It doesn’t matter what time it is.” He appended his number to the message and then hung up. I hit the delete button and erased the message. My sense of guilt doubled, and I knew I had to let them know I was okay.
I padded up the stairs to Chris’s room and fired up his computer. Once the internet connection was made, I went to my free e-mail account and sent a message to Ray, Jason and as an afterthought, Pete. It was direct and to the point. Once the message was sent, I stripped out of my clothes. The bus had left me feeling grimy and I needed a shower. It took a while for the water to warm up to a lukewarm temperature, and I jumped in and out of the shower as fast as possible. Once clean, I put on a pair of clean running shorts and walked over to the spare room.
There were some clothes in the room that were too small to fit Chris. Someone else was using the room. Unsure what to do, I retreated to Chris’s room and climbed into his bed. His scent permeated the pillows, and it was comforting. I fell into a deep, blessedly dreamless sleep.
I woke up around noon and listened to the unnaturally silent house before
rising and putting on some sweats.
The house held a chill as the central heating had been turned off, so I adjusted
the thermostat to take the bite off the temperature. The next thing on my agenda was food. There were no perishables in the refrigerator, so I knew a
trip to the store would be a requirement.
Fuming to myself, I ran back up the stairs and got dressed in some jeans
and a sweatshirt, and then searched the kitchen drawers for the spare set of car
keys Kathlene kept there. I found
them a moment later, and with only a moment’s hesitation, I took the car out of
the garage and carefully drove to the nearest store. Twenty dollars later, I had enough food to last me for a few
days. I returned the car to its
proper place and then fixed myself some cereal with the milk I’d purchased.
After cleaning up my mess, I returned to Chris’s room and checked my
e-mail. I had a new message from
everyone in my family who had access to e-mail, and all of them were angry,
expressing their fright at what I had done.
I replied to all of them with the same answer:
I’m sorry to ruin your
holidays, but this is something I have to do.
I’m safe, and I’m not in any danger.
I’ll be home as soon. Love,
Brian.
Having done what I could to assuage their fears, I decided a workout was in order. I rummaged through Chris’s closet and found some shorts that fit me. I had no idea to whom they belonged, but I was grateful for their presence. I made my way down the stairs and out to the weight room. It was locked, so I went back inside and rummaged through the kitchen drawers and found the key for the weight room attached to the car keys. Once open, I spent the next three hours working out, and then went for a short six-mile run.
The next three days proceeded in much the same way. It wasn’t until the afternoon of the twenty-seventh that something changed. I opened up the gym and proceeded to pump the steel machine for about an hour before I heard voices coming up the walkway.
“What the fuck? The door’s open!”
“Are they back? They wasn’t supposed to be back until tomorrow, I thought.”
“Yeah, that’s what they said.”
“Jesus, is that you in there?”
“No, Pedro. It’s me. Brian.”
Mac and Pedro rounded the corner.
“Brian! Dog! What you doin’ here?” Mac stomped forward, wrapped me up in his brawny arms and rocked me back and forth in his excitement.
“Hi, Mac,” I answered, matching his grin. “Thought I’d come down and surprise Chris and Mom.”
Mac released me and Pedro looked at me with a deadpan expression.
“Kellam.”
“Perez.”
The corners of his mouth started to twitch, and I walked up to him and offered my hand to him. He slapped it away.
“Fuck that, come here, bro.” His smile was unexpected, but gratifying. He pulled me into an embrace as tight as Mac’s had been. When he released me he held me at arms length, grin still in place. “How the hell are you?”
“Been better, been worse,” I answered with a half-smile of my own.
“You said you wanted to surprise Mom and Jesus?” Pedro repeated. “Sorry, bro. They’re gone. They won’t be back until after the twenty-eighth. They went out to see family back in South Carolina.”
“You okay, dog?” Mac asked. “You look like someone kicked you.”
I silently cursed my lack of control. The disappointment I felt showed on my face, and a mild panic struck me. My breathing got tight.
“Yeah,” I responded breathlessly. “Just disappointed. Guess that’s what I get for trying to be sneaky.”
“So where’s Pete?” Mac inquired. “Man, you got a pit bull in your shorts, Kellam? You look like something bit you.”
“Nah, sorry. Pete’s not here. He’s with his new family for the holidays, and I wanted to come down here, so that’s what we did.”
Both my adopted brothers shared a glance. I couldn’t tell what communication passed between them, but I knew they found it odd that he wasn’t with me. I had to distract them before they asked any more questions.
“You look like you guys are here to work out. Want to join me?”
“Sure.”
Mac and Pedro filled me in on the current state of affairs between Chris and Andy, and it disappointed me to hear that Andy had given up on their relationship. With everything he had been through in the last year, I could see how it could affect him and change the way things were between him and Chris. The trials of Jeremy Norton and Billy Farmes were just completed and the verdicts rendered. With all that attention, it would throw anyone for a loop, genius or not.
Some time later, Mac interrupted my concentration. “Dog, you best take a break. You ain’t had no water either.”
“Sorry,” I said as I sat up. “I was in the zone.”
“You were somewhere,” quipped Pedro. “Not sure where, but it wasn’t here. Drink, Brian.”
“Thanks, Pedro.”
“You’re welcome, bro.”
I sucked down the cup of water, while the other two young men watched.
“I didn’t realize how much I needed that.”
“So how you and Pete doin’, Brian?” Mac asked.
The question I had been dreading had just been asked. I took the last few drops of water from my empty glass to gain some time to recover.
“I’m doing okay. School sucks, so nothing new there.”
“How was your football season?” Pedro asked.
I swallowed hard and sighed, “It was good… right up until the point I got kicked off the team,” I answered after dropping my eyes.
“Damn, dog… what’d you do to get kicked off the team?” Mac asked.
“I… uh… sort of… well… got in a fight.”
They looked at me, waiting for more information.
“Well, it’s like this,” I started. “There were some assholes who were picking on these kids.”
Mac started to smile.
“They were football players, and besides picking on kids smaller than they are, they’d been riding me the entire season.” I ran my hands over my nearly bare skull. “I don’t understand why this happens to me. I don’t try to find this crap. Why does it always happen to me?” I asked rhetorically.
“Honestly?” Pedro asked me with raised eyebrows. I wasn’t expecting a response, but since he asked, I nodded my head. “You’re perfect.”
“Oh, come on! I’m not perfect. Not even close.”
“Hear me out, Brian,” Pedro began.
“Oh, I wanna hear this,” Mac said with interest.
“Yeah, me too!” I interjected.
“You want to know why I was so pissed the first time we met in football?” Pedro asked. “It’s because you beat me at my own game. You figured me out, and it pissed me off. Then you have that body — you’re a mini-Jesus! And you hit like Mac…”
Mac snorted with amusement.
“…and you’re as smart as Andy. Brian, you’re perfect. You make it look easy, and people get jealous.”
“Jealous? Of me?”
“Yeah, jealous!”
“Well, whatever,” I said, somewhat uncomfortable. “Anyway, these guys were always on me, making comments about me and my performance, my size… the coaches had me playing both JV and varsity, so they were talking smack about me playing with the little kids, and then there were the usual bullshit insults, calling me a fag and stuff.
“They kept at me, and then when the news about Matt Shepard came down, they kept at me, and I lost my cool and reacted to them. I forgot my clothes one morning when I ran into school and called Pete from the coaches’ office to ask him to bring some in for me. I called him ‘babe’ while we were on the phone, and Coach Sarvino caught it. He was really cool about it. He tried to help me keep my balance, but it didn’t work really well.
“A few days later I saw them cornering another kid. He’s small, somewhat flamboyant. It’s pretty obvious he’s gay. I stepped in and got between them. Words were said, and they attacked me. I don’t remember exactly what happened. One guy said something like he was going to kill me the same way Matthew Shepard was killed. Apparently… well, a friend told me after it was all over that I outed myself. I don’t remember doing it.”
Words of disbelief poured from Mac and Pedro, followed by Pedro asking, “So you and Pete are out?”
“Um… you could say that.”
“Why do I get the feeling you ain’t tellin’ us everything, dog?”
I sighed. “Pete freaked.” I put my head down and ran my hands through the stubble that was my hair again. “He… uh… changed schools and… um… moved out of the house and into an apartment.”
Tears filled my eyes and I cursed them. After all this time since we broke up, I was still an emotional wreck. I looked up at my friends.
“We… ah… we’re not together any more.”
Their jaws dropped open. Tears fell from my eyes.
“Damn, dog,” Mac whispered. “I don’t know what to say.”
“It’s my fault. I couldn’t control myself. I got in to a fight, got kicked of the football team, and lost Pete. He’s gone.”
Tears continued to fall. I dropped my eyes and looked away. Pedro, to my surprise, sat down behind me and put a hand on my shoulder. I glanced back at him with a wan smile. Mac knelt down in front of me, his expression filled with concern and compassion. I looked into his dark eyes and saw the real love my adopted brother held for me, and it broke me. I leaned into him and cried.