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The next day I sat down in the family room staring at the insipid programming that passed for post-Christmas television. It was early afternoon and I had just cleaned up the remains of a meager lunch that, while tasty, was ultimately unappealing. I knew that my problems were much worse than even Ray had guessed, because I had needed to force each and every spoonful of the chicken soup down my throat, and it took everything I had to keep it in my belly. The impetus to purge my stomach of its contents was nearly impossible to ignore. Anxiety was my constant companion, and I grew restless and felt the early stages of panic beginning in my body.
As a distraction, I worked through my routine in the weight room and took a short ninety-minute run to clear my head. Upon returning to the Forn residence, I climbed into the whirlpool tub that I had grown to love in my years living with Chris and Kathlene and let myself soak until my skin was saturated and wrinkled with water. After turning off the heater and jets, I pulled the plug and got out of the tub to dry off. I caught some motion out of the corner of my eye and saw Chris in front of me with his fist cocked back, ready to flatten me. Shock replaced the aggressive expression on his face when he realized it was me, and it was quickly followed by a huge smile.
“Brian!” He shouted as he came at me with his arms wide. He swept me up into a bear hug and squeezed me mightily, heedless of my state of undress or the fact I was dripping water on the floor and soaking his clothes. I wrapped my arms around him and squeezed him as hard as I could without hurting him. I made no effort to get him to back off or release me, nor did I let him go. Chris was giving me what I needed right that moment, and he didn’t even know it. An iota of the emotional pain I had been swallowing since the fight in the school escaped to bubble to the surface, and I felt tears fill my eyes. As Chris held me, I began to cry for a multitude of reasons. I had missed Chris so badly during my time in Portland. He had always been there for me regardless of my own stupidity. I missed Pete, whose absence was a result of my own inability to control myself, and my father’s enforced absence after our reconciliation had done far more emotional damage to me than I had been aware of.
The scent of my brother was a balm for my soul. A sob shook my body, followed by another and another until I could not tell where one ended and the next began. Chris murmured in my ear as I cried, assuring me that he was there and that I was safe with him. His words made me cry harder because I had missed that safety and his reassuring presence so much. My friends in Portland didn’t know me like Chris knew me, and I didn’t know them like I knew him. The trials Chris and I had been through had cemented a bond that nothing would break, and I knew that to be the absolute truth. I had no doubts that Chris and I would remain close for the remainder of our lives.
“Chris, why don’t you get him dressed and then come to the kitchen for dinner.”
Kathlene’s presence in the bathroom did not move me to release Chris. I held on to him and would not let go. I did not care if she saw my naked body. I was where I needed to be: in Chris’s arms with his mom nearby. Chris rumbled his assent to his mother’s gentle suggestion, and after she had wandered away, he tenderly began the process of disengaging my arms from around his torso.
“Come on, Bri,” he said softly in a voice filled with love and concern. “Let’s get some clothes on you and go get something to eat. You and Pete can catch us up.”
“Yeah,” I said without inflection, stubbornly resisting Chris’s attempts to separate us.
He looked closer at me and our eyes met. I could see behind them not the boy I knew and loved, but the man that boy had become. He had been tempered by events and strengthened by challenges, some of which I knew, and others that I did not. There would be time for us to share the happenings that had changed our lives so dramatically in the previous few months, but that would come after I was made presentable for his mother.
I managed to let Chris go so he could move, but I could not bring myself to cease all contact. I kept my hand on his arm as he searched my face for a clue as to what was happening inside of me. I was certain that he knew this was not a friendly visit, but something more significant. My emotional breakdown in his arms made him both anxious and curious. He allowed my hand to slide down his arm until our hands met, and he gently clasped mine in his. He smiled again and led me through the bathroom door and into his room, where he shut the door.
Chris looked at me, asking the question with his eyes. I could no longer meet them.
“Please, Chris,” I whispered hoarsely. “Don’t ask. Not right now. I’ll tell you, but not right now, okay?” His hand tightened on mine, seemingly instinctively. He stepped closer and hugged me again, communicating his love to me.
It was then that he noticed he was holding a buck naked body in his arms. He suddenly let go of me, and the separation was painful in ways that I can not adequately describe: far more than just a physical sensation or emotional pain. Chris’s face flushed scarlet, and he turned away from me. He cleared his throat.
“Where are your clothes, Bri?”
“In the other room,” I answered softly.
“Okay. I’ll go get you some sweats, then.”
He darted around me and opened the door. A moment later he came back carrying the bag containing my clothes. He handed them to me through the door without looking at me.
“I’ll be in the kitchen, Bri.”
“You might want to put on some dry clothes too, Chris. I got you kinda wet.”
“Nah,” he replied distractedly, “they’ll dry.” He made to leave again.
“Chris, wait,” I called quietly. “Wait for me?”
After a brief pause, he answered through the mostly closed door, “Sure.”
I hurriedly toweled off the little water remaining on my skin, slipped on the sweatpants and a t-shirt I had brought along for my trip, and then opened the door to find a slightly disconcerted Chris standing there. He looked at me again, and then through me, as though looking for answers that I knew I must give him at some point in the near future. For the moment, however, I would keep my secrets until I found a better time to tell him.
“Come on, Bri,” Chris whispered, holding out his hand. I took it in mine and fought back another sob. He pulled me into another brief, crushing hug before leading me down the stairs by the hand.
When we entered the kitchen, I saw Kathlene stirring something in a pot on the stove with her back turned toward us. I stopped moving, and it brought Chris to a halt with a jerk. He did not let go of my hand. Kathlene heard us and turned around. Her face was tired and lined with worry and, for the first time I could remember, uncertainty. She walked toward us, and I stood rooted in place, unable to make myself move. I saw her eyes flick to my hand in Chris’s meaty paw, and then she stood immediately before me. Again tears formed in my eyes and I could not stop them. I tried to say something… anything, but nothing penetrated my frozen throat. Only a soundless mouthing of the word, “mom” appeared. She pulled me to her and wrapped me up in her arms, rocking me slowly. Unintelligible murmured words gave comfort to my pain, and they were followed by the word “amen.” Sobs again threatened my control, and I countered them with brute force of will, not allowing them to materialize.
“Oh, Brian, it is so good to have you here!” My second mother said fiercely. “Now my Christmas is complete!”
Chris wrapped both of us in his arms from behind me, sandwiching me between them. The feeling of absolute safety and acceptance battered against the walls I had built around my heart, and broke them down once more. I cried on Kathlene’s shoulder as they held me. Chris’s strength did more then just hold me tight. He held me up as the sobs began again. I could feel tears falling on my cheek, and another set of tears falling on my head from behind. Together we wept until it was finally time to talk.
“Come on, boys,” Kathlene said, ushering us to the dining room. “Set the table and get something to drink.”
As though no time had passed, I fell into the familiar dinner time routine. Bowls for soup were placed on the table, as was the tableware and glasses filled with water and juice. Chris and I sat as Kathlene brought the food in, and we bowed our heads for Grace. Kathlene said a rote prayer and added her own silent requests, as did Chris. I kept my head down until they were finished.
The first question out of Chris’s mouth made me lose what little appetite I had.
“Where’s Pete, Brian?”
I swallowed the small bite in my mouth, and my stomach immediately rebelled. I managed to keep it quiescent with a moment’s concentration.
“He’s with his family, spending the holidays with them,” I replied carefully, giving the impression that he was traveling with Kevin to meet his extended family. “I wanted to surprise you, but you weren’t home when I got here. It’s a good thing you haven’t moved the key,” I finished with a chuckle I didn’t really feel.
“I thought you would have gone with him, Bri,” pressed Chris. “Don’t you want to meet his family?” I stared at Chris, trying to come up with something to say that would not be an outright lie. Seconds passed. “Brian?”
“I… uh…” I set down my spoon and dropped my eyes to the table, remaining silent. My stomach took that moment to act up again. I barely kept it in check.
“Brian, where is Pete?” Kathlene asked in her full mother mode.
“Portland,” I answered, unable to withstand the force of her will.
“Doing what?” She asked.
“I don’t know.”
“How did you get here?”
“By bus,” I stated immediately.
“Why didn’t Pete come with you?” Kathlene questioned.
“He’s with his family, like I said,” I answered, hoping that she would leave it at that, but of course, my hopes were dashed with her next question.
“Brian,” she began gently, “did something happen between you?”
I stood up as quickly as I could and dashed to the water closet in the kitchen, where my stomach heaved. Nothing came out. I knelt on the floor in front of the toilet and waited. Kathlene came up behind me — it could only be her because the footfalls were too light for it to be Chris.
“Honey, please… tell me what’s happening?”
I looked back at her, hating myself for causing her to worry so much. My stomach seemed to be in a semi-steady state, so I stood to face her.
“It’s a long story,” I said hoarsely. “You guys are tired. Can we talk about it tomorrow?” I asked plaintively.
Kathlene peered up at me, examining my face. She nodded but required, “Brian, are you in trouble?”
“Wh-what do you mean?”
“Are— you— in— trouble?”
“Mom, please? Tomorrow is soon enough to talk about that, okay? All I wanted to do was see you and Chris. I promise I’ll fill you in tomorrow.”
“I’m going to hold you to that promise, Brian Andrew Kellam,” she said with her hands on her hips. “Don’t think I’m going to let you off the hook, either.”
I looked at her with deadly serious eyes, and her own eyes widened seeing the change in my expression. “I’m counting on it, Mom,” I said in a hushed tone. “You don’t know how much.”
Kathlene wrapped me up in another hug with all her strength, and then held me at arm’s length. “Come back to the table and eat, Brian.”
“I’m sorry, Mom. I’m not hungry.”
She stared at me for a moment longer and then said, “All right. Come sit with us while we eat, then.”
I followed her to the table, and felt a rush of relief course through me. Although my reprieve was only for one night, it would be enough time for me to come up with something to tell them that would not be a lie, but would not tell them the whole truth. The entire concept of coming to see them without my parent’s permission centered around the idea that I would get help from Chris and Kathlene that I could not get elsewhere. It would only be a matter of time before my parents called again. I had erased two more messages from my mom and another one from Pete before Chris and Kathlene had arrived home. My luck wouldn’t hold out very much longer.
After dinner, the three of us sat in the family room talking. Chris caught me up on the latest developments between him and Tony, or Andy as Chris now called him. Their relationship was over, but Chris was optimistic that a friendship could still be rebuilt between them. It was what he told me of their Christmas vacation that bothered me. Chris and his mother flew to the east coast to visit with Chris’s paternal grandparents, whom he had not seen in several years.
“We were there for less than a day, Brian, and then David showed up.” Kathlene mumbled something under her breath that sounded like an epithet, but it did not interrupt Chris’s narration. “The first thing he did was start an argument with me about my… um… the word he used was ‘lifestyle.’ I kept telling him that it wasn’t a choice, and it was the way I was made by God, but he didn’t listen. My grandparents got involved in the argument too, attacking me, and then mom got into it.”
“Stupid, ignorant people!” Kathlene interjected.
“Mom went ‘round and ‘round with them for hours. David threatened to beat me down again, which is when mom stopped talking to them and told me to get my stuff. We were out of there in ten minutes. Mom told David that when he came to his senses, he knew where we were.”
“And I told your father’s parents the same thing, Christopher. Stupid, hidebound fools. They believe more in a book than in the lessons it teaches.”
“So we went to a hotel. Mom called a travel agent, and we went to Disneyworld for Christmas.” Chris smiled in spite of the tenor of his visit with his grandparents. “We had a blast, didn’t we, Mom?”
“Yes, we had a lot of fun. I hadn’t been there before, and I would have liked to have stayed another week to see everything, but I had to get back here for work on Tuesday. I am going to take tomorrow off to make sure things go as they’re supposed to.”
Kathlene’s eyes held mine until I looked away. She wanted to know exactly what was happening, and why I was an emotional basket case. I sighed, and then realized that the tale Chris and Kathlene had related had not enraged me as I thought it should have. It wasn’t that it didn’t make me angry, because it did, but that the feelings were muted somehow.
“David hasn’t changed, Bri,” Chris reported with a sigh. “He’s still the same way. He, uh, he blames you, you know.”
“Christopher!”
“No, Mom, it’s all right,” I responded, placating her with a gesture. “I know he blames me for turning Chris gay. There’s nothing I can do about it, so why get upset about it?”
Chris looked at me in a peculiar fashion that I could not understand. I glanced at Kathlene and saw her eyes were narrowed and she was observing me thoughtfully.
“What?” I demanded of them.
“Bri, I’m surprised you aren’t raging right now,” Chris related slowly. “Usually something like this would get you worked up in no time.”
“David is an ass,” I said simply. “What do you expect?”
“Brian, are you sure you’re okay?” Chris asked again. “This isn’t like you.”
I sighed again. “I’ll fill you in tomorrow, Chris. I’ll fill you both in. For now, can we just let it rest? Please?”
Chris cut his eyes to his mother for an instant, and then said, “Sure, Bri. Until tomorrow.”
“Okay,” I replied in a small voice. I felt alone and vulnerable at that moment. I was sure that my departure from Portland was going to land me in some serious trouble, but if I didn’t — if I couldn’t tell them the real reason I went to them in the first place, it would be that much worse.
The phone rang, and I jumped. Kathlene stepped over and picked up the receiver. I swallowed and waited.
“Hello? Well, hello! It’s been a long time. Sure, I think I can manage that. Yes. I see.” Her eyes fixed on me. “No, I agree with you there. No, not yet. Without a doubt. It might take a few days. How long has that been going on?”
Kathlene’s eyes widened and she raised her voice. “Since when? No, I haven’t heard anything about it, but I’ll look into it. New Year’s day will be soon enough, I think. It will give me time to put things in order here.”
She turned away from me and continued her conversation. “Absolutely. Given the circumstances, I think it would be best. Yes, exactly. Can I call you back later? I’m in the middle of dinner and we just got home. Yes. It’s not a problem at all. Let me get settled in and I’ll call you in a little while. Is nine too late? I’ll do that, then. No need. You’d do the same, I’m sure. Yes. Goodbye.”
Panic began to set in as Kathlene hung up the phone. I knew the call was from someone in Portland. The set of Kathlene’s jaw and eyes were a complete giveaway, but confusion grew along side of it as she sat back down. Kathlene obviously was not going to make an issue of the situation — the growing silence in the wake of the call proved that. Her eyes never left mine, and the scrutiny forced me to act or go insane from the pressure.
“I’m going to head to bed,” I said, standing abruptly. “I’m pretty tired.”
“Yes, I bet you are,” Kathlene remarked blandly.
I felt my face flush and swallowed hard. She got up and moved to stand before me. Her eyes pierced me.
She knew.
“Tomorrow is soon enough to talk of other things, honey. I know you have your reasons for wanting to wait, and I can guess what some of them are.”
I chanced a glance at Chris, who looked on, completely baffled.
“I know you want to spend some time with Chris, so if you feel like it, you can take another day to think about things, but no longer. Understood? We can talk then.”
“You talked to someone?” I asked meekly.
“You know I did,” she responded, her voice quiet. “You made a choice, and you’ll deal with the consequences. What no one knows is the why, and that could make a difference in how things turn out.”
“Mom?” Chris interrupted. “What’s going on?”
“Brian will tell us when the time comes.”
Kathlene hugged me tightly again. Tears filled my eyes.
“I’m sorry to drag you into this, Mom.”
“Brian, if what I’ve been led to believe is true… There’s time enough for that later. Go get some sleep.” She released me and gently pushed me toward the stairs. “I would put you in your old room, but Gig has been staying there, so you’ll have to sleep in Chris’s room. Is that okay?”
“Uh… if it’s okay with Chris,” I stated carefully.
Chris blinked a few times before answering, “Of course it is, Brian. You don’t have to ask.”
I closed my eyes, thankful that I was turned away from him. “Yes, Chris. I do.”
“Huh?”
After a pause, I responded, “Sorry… I’m just tired. Is the sleeping bag still in the closet?”
“You don’t need it, Brian. We’ll share my bed,” Chris replied. I peered at him, and it was only then that he realized what he had said. “Unless that bothers you, Brian?”
His question led me to believe that he was asking himself as much as he was asking me. I watched him for a moment, and he shifted his weight from one foot to the other.
“I… uh… I’m okay with it if you are.” I said in response.
I glanced at Kathlene, who’s attention was centered on our conversation, a pensive look on her face. Whether she was still thinking about the phone call from Portland or the inferences of the conversation between Chris and me I could not tell.
Chris nodded and said he would follow me in a moment. I said good night to my foster mother and then slowly climbed the stairs to Chris’s room. I stripped off the sweats and put on some running shorts before Chris had come up to his room. I pulled back the sheets on his bed and got in. I turned toward the wall as Chris changed into a pair of running shorts as well, and then he climbed into bed after me. Once he was lying down, I spoke.
“Chris?”
“Huh?”
I swallowed. “I… uh… um… it’s good to see you.”
Chris rolled onto his side and peered at me. “Brian, I know Mom said it could wait until tomorrow… and I know you asked to wait, but… I’m getting this weird feeling that there’s a lot of stuff going on here.”
I sighed and whispered, “There is, Chris. Please?”
“Brian…”
“Please!” I begged him to leave it alone.
He relented. “Okay. Tomorrow.”
I lay on my back and glanced at him, and took in his furrowed brow and the firm set of his jaw and knew that tomorrow would be the end of my evasions. Chris was, for the moment, content to let things be.
“G’Night, Bri,” Chris said before reaching over to turn off the lamp next to the bed.
“G’Night, Chris.”
I rolled over on my side, my back to Chris. Unable to sleep, I lay there quietly without moving, not wishing to disturb Chris while he was trying to go to find his own rest. He turned over a few times, and then rolled onto his side to face me once more.
“Brian?” He whispered.
“Yeah?” I whispered back.
“Um… this might sound… weird…” said Chris in a halting whisper that was uncharacteristic for him, “… but… would you mind if I… uh… put my arm around you?” When I did not answer immediately, he continued in a low voice, “Look, even if you don’t want to tell me what’s happening now, tonight, I know you’re hurting. I hate it when you’re hurting, Bri. I hate not being able to do anything to make you feel better, and… well… it would make me feel better if I could do something… anything. You remember when you used to come into my room at night? When you couldn’t sleep because of the nightmares?”
“Yeah.” I answered.
“I used to lie awake at night wondering when you were going to come in. I usually fell asleep before you did, but sometimes I was awake when you came in, and I felt you get into bed and cuddle up next to me. It killed me that I couldn’t do anything to stop them; to keep you from having them so you wouldn’t have to come in, you know? But at the same time— Brian, do you know how much you taught me about how to be there for someone? You showed me that even if I couldn’t do anything to help someone, letting them know I was there if they needed anything was just as important. You taught me that even if I couldn’t do anything to help, I could help by just being there for them. You know? It’s like when we went running. We didn’t talk much. We didn’t need to. When I was all spun up, we’d go for a run and just being with you would make me feel better.
“And then when Andy was in his coma… Jesus, Bri… all I could do was be there… I think that you taught me how to do that. You know?
“I’m not saying this right.”
“I think I understand what you’re saying, Chris.” His words were hammering at my emotions. I fought to keep them in check as the memories of all those nights flooded back.
“Well, what I’m trying to say… what I’m trying to do is be here for you, Bri. I want to help you. I want to…”
“Chris?” My voice was tight, constrained by the tears I was holding back.
“Yes, Bri?”
“I…” It was all I could get out before I rolled into him, and he was ready. He put his arms around me and held me tightly as I cried myself to sleep.
I awoke the next morning feeling odd. My head we in a turmoil, as was expected given what was to happen later that day, but my emotions were curiously calm. Sleeping in Chris’s arms had apparently accomplished his aim: to comfort me in a time of need. His body was spooning mine, and the warmth was soothing.
I snuggled back into him and immediately became aware of his morning erection against me. Desire flared in my body, but I resisted the urge to continue down that road. It was not the right time for anything sexual to occur between Chris and me. There was too much at stake. Chris pressed himself against me in his sleep and pulled me tighter to him, and his obvious state of arousal was having a marked effect on my body. I began the process of removing myself from his grasp without waking him.
Once free, I put on my sweats and relieved myself at the bathroom before heading down stairs. On impulse, I built a fire in the hearth, and then settled in front of the flames and watched them dance, letting my mind wander, simply observing my thoughts as they occurred. A majority them centered around my lost relationship with Pete and how I was going to move forward without him. I could pretend that it did not matter to me that he was gone, but that would be living a lie. The fact that I was again facing the specter of bulimia proved that it did matter, and that it had affected me greatly.
Chris himself was at the center of my thoughts as well. He was no longer attached to Andy in any way other than a potential friendship. Pete had abandoned me. That left both of us free to explore without being disloyal to anyone. I checked that thought immediately— I needed Chris as a friend, not as a lover, no matter how appealing he might be. I couldn’t afford to let anything get in the way of our friendship.
“Good morning, honey,” Kathlene greeted me some time later.
“Morning, Mom,” I said with a sigh.
“Why so gloomy, Brian?” Kathlene asked.
I glanced at her, trying to keep the scorn out of my expression. When I was once again staring into the fire, I asked, “Who did you talk to last night?”
“Your father. You left a lot of worried people in Portland, Brian. When I told him you were here, he was extremely relieved, and he mentioned that you left a note stating you had something that you needed to do.”
I nodded.
“Can you tell me what that is?”
“Can I tell you both at the same time?” I asked softly, my voice under tight control. “I don’t know if I can make it through doing it twice.”
Kathlene hugged me tightly.
“Brian, you must understand something. No matter what it is you have to tell us, we love you, and we’re not going to abandon you. We didn’t leave you a year ago when you had your problems, and we’re not going to leave you now. You’re my son just as much as Chris or David or Mac or Pedro or Tony, and no matter what happens, I will not stop loving you. If I can still love David in spite of him turning into an ignorant ass, then I certainly can love you, who have done nothing more than show up on our doorstep unannounced at Christmas, if not just for a friendly visit.”
I looked at her, searching her calm eyes for… something.
“You know.”
“I suspect. Your father suspects. But none of us are sure because you haven’t told us.”
“After breakfast. Okay?”
“Very well. Remember, we love you very, very much, and nothing is going to change that.”
“Thanks. I know that, but… it’s hard to keep it close. You know?”
“Your head knows but your heart doesn’t. I know what you mean. I think a lot of us run into that from time to time.” I nodded. “Chris is stirring, so I’ll get breakfast started. Eggs and bacon?”
“If I have to,” I sighed. “I don’t really have an appetite.”
“I need you to eat something, Brian. Especially now.”
“Okay. I’ll try.”
“Good.”
Kathlene left me sitting in front of the fireplace, and I watched the flames lick the wood I had placed there earlier. The urge to bolt was overwhelming. I knew that the entire reason I had come to California was to have the conversation that was about to take place, yet I wanted to avoid it completely. Opening up my emotions, even to someone as supportive as Chris and Kathlene, terrified me to my innermost being.
Chris came down the stairs in a semi-conscious state, scratching his washboard stomach under his t-shirt.
“Morning, Bri,” he said through a yawn. “Sleep well?”
“Mostly.” I answered. “Once I got to sleep I was fine.”
“Good. I was hoping you would,” Chris grinned, and his stomach growled loudly enough for his mother to hear it from the kitchen.
“Tell that beast of a stomach it’ll be fed in about fifteen minutes,” Kathlene called.
“Thanks, Mom,” her son answered, and he moved to sit next to me in front of the fire, putting his arm around my shoulders as he settled. “You slept, but you’re still anxious,” he observed.
“Yeah.”
“Sorry.”
“For what,” I asked, confused.
He shrugged. “For not… I don’t know…”
“Chris, there isn’t anything you can do to make this go away. Being here, with you and Mom, makes it a little easier, and it will make it that much easier to… to tell you what I have to tell you. You didn’t do anything wrong, Chris. You did everything as right as you could.”
“Doesn’t feel like it,” he groused.
I sighed. “Let’s eat breakfast and then we’ll sit down and talk. Okay? Can you wait that long?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks.” I went back to staring at the flames in front of me. Chris didn’t move from his place next to me, and kept his arm around me until his mother called us to the table for breakfast.
We ate quietly. Conversation was subdued and there was tension in the air. We all knew that the conversation to come would not be pleasant. I managed to eat a small portion of eggs and a strip of bacon, even though it didn’t appeal at all. When we finished eating, I helped clean up the kitchen and then plodded downstairs for the inevitable discussion. As Chris and Kathlene settled, I stood suddenly as a thought struck me. I didn’t like what my mind had told me, but I knew it was for the best.
“Maybe we should do this, you know, upstairs?” They looked at me, confused. “Closer to the kitchen?” I added, hoping that one of them would pick up on my silent plea. Understanding dawned in Kathlene’s eyes, but she did not react as I could have wished..
“Brian, why don’t you tell us why you want to go upstairs,” she said gently.
I sighed. “Because it’s closer to the toilet,” I answered, hanging my head.
“And why does that matter?” Kathlene prompted. She seemed to think she was making things easier for me, but it was turning me into a nervous wreck, and I wanted to run away.
“Because,” I whispered. “I might throw up.”
A thundering silence filled the room.
“You didn’t come here to surprise us, did you, Bri?” Chris asked in a low voice. I could feel his gaze burning into me.
“That was part of it,” I replied, my voice barely audible even to my own ears, “but that’s not the whole reason… not the main reason.”
Chris got up and walked over to me where I stood waiting, and forced my head up with a gentle hand on my chin. I kept my eyes closed, unable to meet his eyes.
“Bri?” Chris whispered, but I didn’t respond, trying hard to hold myself together. “Bri?” He said a little louder with a bit more conviction. My stomach flipped, and I fought for control. “Brian. Look at me.”
Swallowing hard to keep my gorge, I slowly opened my eyes to meet his blue orbs. His gaze was intense, his eyes shifting side to side as he focused on each one of my eyes in turn. Only our breathing broke the silence in that singular moment of time. I waited, hoping that Chris would come through for me, that he would know what I needed.
“You’re in trouble again, aren’t you,” he stated, his voice just above a hoarse whisper, “with your eating.”
I closed my eyes tightly and nodded nearly imperceptibly. Only Chris could tell, and then only by feel.
“And you came here to ask for help?”
A sob came from nowhere and a tear escaped before I could force it down, and then I nodded again. Chris raised his other hand and held my face between them, looking down at me. I felt his thumb rub the tear off of my cheek.
“Bri…” Chris spoke again in a low, quiet tone. I heard him move and then felt a jolt as his lips touched mine in a brief, chaste, tender kiss. “Don’t be afraid, Bri. You’re here now, and you’re safe. Me and Mom, we’re going to help you, alright?” He looked into my eyes. “We’re going to help you, okay?”
I nodded and sagged in relief as the tears I had been struggling to suppress sprang out. Chris hugged me tightly, wrapping me in his mighty arms. “I love you, Brian, and I’m not going to let anything happen to you.